Mind

Mind is ridiculous. It keeps on swaying back and forth, to the unknown zone and to the impossible ones.. sometime to the dreadful pasts that we bury not to be revealed even to ourself. With tightly closed eyes, mind takes its liberty to hunt you down your sane life to its sometime funny and disorient region. It makes me so enraged that so many times I cannot sleep at night. At present things that I've done and could've done, and mistakes mostly-keeps on nagging the heart to pain the whole night. And my entire day seems so fuzzy and tired.

Tonight I had the same thing happen to me the whole night. I changed my place 3 times hoping to get a good night sleep, which failed- for the last time I was changing my place with a Sheet and a pillow, the grandma of the home was awake to do her morning puja. The whole night I was thinking of my marriage. I was thinking that it is a mistake. And consciously or unconsciously I was planning the way to get a divorce with less pain to everyone. Ah.. I'm planning and currently thinking of divorce most of the week and its going to be a year only of the wedding.

Its really funny that when things are fine and he is not drunk.. I forget every differences and his faults.. and beautiful and memorable past tries lesser to pull me towards its embrace. And I think I can adjust in this new family, and I can try getting old with him. I just want him to leave drinking, because I can't stand the stinking smell of it and its deed. It has ruined our family and everyone is suffering until now. My entire life I've hated this thing and now I've dropped into its pit from where its going to be really hard to get myself out of it.

I am still me!!

Not yet succeeded making my heart love you,
Haven’t been able to submit myself entirely to you,
Though I’m now yours in the eye of this world
But I’m still on my own, has failed totally giving myself to you
My soul is still yet to accept your existence in my life,
Yet I’m trying making things better for you and to me,
And yet, why everything is tangling and making things worse for me?
Sometime I curse the wedding which is meant to be happy,
I panic in this frontier of your world, not that you don’t realize of
And I doubt, you’ve time to hear what I’m suffering of,
I don’t love you more and more,
And I happen to hate you a lot more now,
Do you mind I don’t care what you are up to?
You are full of shit that I may do something good myself soon,
So. . I’m still me totally failed to be an us.

Blog: Life and Life by Lament on Bloggers

Blog: Life and Life by Lament on Bloggers
Hehehe.. So here i'm again. bit to share bit to scare... but its always for myself to keep records on my own experience.

today.. i'm really not feeling good. mentally... sentimentally.. inside me everything is missing. i keep on looking for a hideout to refresh my soul. but could not find. There is no place i could figure out for my hiding, where no one i know can see me- see me so depressed of life and myself. frustrating huh????

what is it i'm looking in my life? something good.. something good!!!