Married is what I am!

Everyone knows that i'm married. And he knows that too. He has seen my wedding pictures in my FB profile (he was not invited). I tell him to move on for some misunderstandings that were unrecoverable has already been done its thing and has shown its result and the result is that i am a married woman now. whatever may be my relation with my new family, I've bound myself to it. And i don't keep any ventilation to seek pleasure outside the periphery of my wedding. He knows that all, but he wants me to marry him. So many people does that, marry me.. thats what he says.

He wants me back. Feels good to know he still loves me. but i don't want him to keep on staying on the same road in the same point where we parted. I want him to move on. I want him to get married. I know nobody will wait for me all his life. so.. its better i resist him and let him overcome this by himself. Every time he speaks his feelings.. i tell him i'm not interested. Thats what i'm going to do until he gets married and forget me.

The Anniversary !

Dec.2nd was our first anniversary. Nothing special did i plan for the day nor did i expected anything from his side. actually i didn;t want to see anything special from his side that day. (though i got a bunch of red roses under my scooter's seat after 2 days).Parent in laws are out of the country, and i'm feeling out of place again. Its been nearly a month now, since i enjoy not talking with him and not living in the same room as him. I've kind of got used to it by now. I dread talking with him, i don't like it when i hear him talk his slurry way when i happen to be near by. He don't feel shame.. if he feels that i don;t know. He pretends a lot. and he thinks that i'm pretending too. he has to keep his side always on top so that any body listening to him thinks that everything on his side is so good and superb. that gives quiet lot of irritation inside me. and that poor other one who will be listening may be thinking that this is the great family that he is hearing about.

My first trimester is finished. he was to take me to the hospital at the end of the trimester but he settled with his ego so as not to talk with me and not to take me for the checkup. i found a thousand rupees in my purse the first time and the second time 5 thousand(he put them). with that money and the other 5 thousand from the place where we keep money for other expenses i went for the check up with my friend. and how did i hate him for that, only me and myself know that. I was hoping he will understand his duty and take me to the hospital. it was his cause that we stopped talking and does he really think that i'm a wife and should beg mercy of him? how sad!!! if he thinks his ego is better and best for him. i think i wish not to bend my ego for his. well.. i may be acting stupid, but i've my own thinking in this... i don't feel happy in what i'm doing and the way our relation is in. but i wish to keep this non talking business for as long as i really need to talk with him.

Blog: Life and Life by Lament on Bloggers

Blog: Life and Life by Lament on Bloggers

I'm feeling sick lately. I've home tested myself. it showed positive 2 times 3 days ago. I tested again today.. all right, its positive. after gnawing myself for a week now.. I told my husband today morning, that we need to recheck with a doctor before giving out the information to mother and father in laws. After a lab test (which showed positive again),I'm here still afraid.. if something or other will wind up wrong. I won't be in ease until 4-5 months.. I guess :-S...!!

Ah.. forgot to state that I've stopped lamenting lately. It is because everything is in place now a days. My mind is sound until i started getting morning sickness. Well.. other than that, Life has become Bermuda triangle. Everything bad has vanishes. mind is far in ease and life too.. at least for me. Because you know.. Mother and Father in Laws are home now. With them at home.. i don't need to tense myself thinking of my husband coming home late..and his drinking has completely stopped(may be for now, which is good for the time being).. ah h may be that is helping me to tolerate his rudeness. He has become caring and the good thing is I am not alone to tolerate his behavior now. Until his mum and dad are at home, that house does seem like a home. :)

Mind

Mind is ridiculous. It keeps on swaying back and forth, to the unknown zone and to the impossible ones.. sometime to the dreadful pasts that we bury not to be revealed even to ourself. With tightly closed eyes, mind takes its liberty to hunt you down your sane life to its sometime funny and disorient region. It makes me so enraged that so many times I cannot sleep at night. At present things that I've done and could've done, and mistakes mostly-keeps on nagging the heart to pain the whole night. And my entire day seems so fuzzy and tired.

Tonight I had the same thing happen to me the whole night. I changed my place 3 times hoping to get a good night sleep, which failed- for the last time I was changing my place with a Sheet and a pillow, the grandma of the home was awake to do her morning puja. The whole night I was thinking of my marriage. I was thinking that it is a mistake. And consciously or unconsciously I was planning the way to get a divorce with less pain to everyone. Ah.. I'm planning and currently thinking of divorce most of the week and its going to be a year only of the wedding.

Its really funny that when things are fine and he is not drunk.. I forget every differences and his faults.. and beautiful and memorable past tries lesser to pull me towards its embrace. And I think I can adjust in this new family, and I can try getting old with him. I just want him to leave drinking, because I can't stand the stinking smell of it and its deed. It has ruined our family and everyone is suffering until now. My entire life I've hated this thing and now I've dropped into its pit from where its going to be really hard to get myself out of it.

I am still me!!

Not yet succeeded making my heart love you,
Haven’t been able to submit myself entirely to you,
Though I’m now yours in the eye of this world
But I’m still on my own, has failed totally giving myself to you
My soul is still yet to accept your existence in my life,
Yet I’m trying making things better for you and to me,
And yet, why everything is tangling and making things worse for me?
Sometime I curse the wedding which is meant to be happy,
I panic in this frontier of your world, not that you don’t realize of
And I doubt, you’ve time to hear what I’m suffering of,
I don’t love you more and more,
And I happen to hate you a lot more now,
Do you mind I don’t care what you are up to?
You are full of shit that I may do something good myself soon,
So. . I’m still me totally failed to be an us.

Blog: Life and Life by Lament on Bloggers

Blog: Life and Life by Lament on Bloggers
Hehehe.. So here i'm again. bit to share bit to scare... but its always for myself to keep records on my own experience.

today.. i'm really not feeling good. mentally... sentimentally.. inside me everything is missing. i keep on looking for a hideout to refresh my soul. but could not find. There is no place i could figure out for my hiding, where no one i know can see me- see me so depressed of life and myself. frustrating huh????

what is it i'm looking in my life? something good.. something good!!!

Me

I made it for myself. So I better start my very first post, writing about myself. I'm soon to be 32. like every mature people feels like, i still feel I'm 15. hehehe not to mention i never tell my age to anyone, so they think I'm 25-26. and by the way to be seen as age- less then actual, has always been an advantage.

I'm married for a year now. And there are so many times that I don't like being married. At my job, I always joke to my seniors (when they ask how about) that I will never marry again!!! I don't know when shall I be able to feel good in the life of Marriage.. but godddd really I'm waiting for that day.. patiently!

Well... the most recent about me is the marriage. so... that's it for the first post. will be back!!